Me and Dog had driven back up to the mountains on New Years Eve day. 2018 was most certainly a year to forget, and assumably, 2019 was setting itself up for being worse. Yeah, life didn’t feel all that wonderful. In fact, it felt like a new and unimproved low point was as close as it could have been without completely breaking me to pieces one again. Uneventfully, both Dog and I were fast asleep by 8:30pm PST.
It didn’t take too many days into the new year before I was showing myself(and surely others) real signs of cracking. My attitude, negative. My passions and desires, dead in the water. My pathetic eating habits were exactly that, pathetic. I felt completely victimized yet I was the driving force behind all the victimizing. Bad, I know. And no way to live either.
I couldn’t take this paralyzing holding pattern that had become my reality any longer. I couldn’t wait around for “something to give.” I had to make some kind of move. Something had to be put in motion.
Sometime around noon, while feeling anxious as all get out, I placed a call to Ann Gratzek’s office, hoping to speak with my main contact Autumn. Love that lady! My goal was to tell Autumn that I was sure it was time to pull Quinn’s eyes out, but that to communicate that conviction, I suggested to her that I wanted to send an email directly to Dr. Gratzek, but only if i could be assured that she would read it. Autumn assured me that it would get read.
The email:
Hi Ann, this is Aaron Lubell.
Quinn is in the struggle when she opens her eyes. Her left eye the real culprit. As you’ll recall, I have come up here to Truckee CA for the winter to slow things down in my life and also be there for Quinn 24/7 as the disease worsens. She spends 95% of the waking day with her eyes closed now. But when her eyes are open, she comes across as being very bothered, confused, and uncomfortable. She rests and sleeps very comfortably. Dreams deep, which is all very reassuring to a degree. I am just very saddened by what I see when her eyes are open. A lot may have to do with the altitude. That is why I am cutting things short and heading back to sea level. Also, last time we talked, you had said to stop giving Dorzolomide, which I did, but now it seems like ALL the eyedrops are having a bothering affect. I am not getting second opinions nor am I reading anything on the internet. My faith is and has always been in you guys, and I am at the point where it seems like removal should be upon us, or around the corner or somewhere close. I was just down in bay area over the holidays and it seemed like her eyes were doing slightly better being off the mountain but maybe not. She is eating fine. Thank you Ann. Please advise.
That very evening around 5pm, my cell phone rang and sure enough it was Dr. Gratzek. I wasn’t expecting or wanting a phone call, rather a return email, but that was neither here nor there. She said hello, I said hello and thanked her for calling. I didn’t ask her whether or not she read my email, I just began spilling the beans and opening my heart. I did my best to tell her over the phone what I had emailed her office but five hours prior. I spoke for about a minute straight, and I guess my dogma sat well with her.
“It sounds like it is time for surgery. I will turn you back over to Autumn and you guys can schedule it,” she said.
And that’s how it went down, and before I could thank Dr. Gratzek, Autumn was back on the line asking if Quinn and I could come for an appointment on January 15th, with surgery scheduled for Thursday January 17th. I said Yes, and that was that.
Our life took a turn. Not sure whether it turned up, down, left, or right, I just knew it took a turn. The moment that I had been fearing in some form or anther for the past 14 months was now upon me(us). On one hand, I knew that it was going to be a very long two weeks to endure ahead of surgery. On the other hand, I suppose I was feeling a small sense of relief.